“I, take thee to be my wedded husband/wife,
to have and to hold from this day forward,
for better or for worse,
for richer or poorer,
in sickness and in health,
to love and to cherish, till death do us partner”
This, of course, is a rendition of the traditional wedding vows. Even though my wife and I followed the trend in writing our own, the spirit of the traditional vows was included. To be honest, it seems to me that the above seem to be just words to most folks. I have to admit that I myself never really thought about them or what they meant until my wife and I were planning our wedding. Even when I did think about the meaning, I didn’t fully understand it until some of the phrases came to pass:
…for better or for worse,
for richer or poorer,
in sickness and in health…
We’ve been together for almost twenty-five years. Within that span, things have been “better” and they’ve been “worse” beyond anything we imagined in the beginning. We’ve been “richer” and “poorer.” We’ve had serious illness and also stretches of health. It’s been an interesting ride (as anyone who’s been married for any extended period of time can tell you). Not only has the bad stuff (worse, poorer and sickness) brought challenges that we’ve had to contend with, but the good stuff has, surprisingly, at times brought just as many problems and issues. Our experiences have profoundly changed what we both think of ourselves and of each other. We’ve learned things about ourselves and each other which we had no concept of when we first started dating. We’re also very different people, both individually and as a couple, than we were all those years ago at the beginning.
At the beginning, we did all the things that lovers do; held hands; giggled about almost anything; created pet names for each other, as well as, our own secret codes and language. On and on and on. We fell asleep each night facing each other, our limbs intertwined in a slumbering embrace. I greatly enjoyed all those things and greatly admire couples who’ve been together for forty, fifty, even sixty years or more, who have been able to maintain that kind of tenderness and intimacy. My wife and I don’t do much of that anymore. We still love one another dearly and are completely devoted to one another. But the situations those wedding vows describe have deeply changed our relationship to our selves and as a couple. There’s been death, sickness and financial difficulties which have definitely made “for worse” times.
My point isn’t to go into details of our experiences, but I do want to say that those experiences have shaped our relationship and day to day living. I’d love to go back to the holding hands “snuggle bunny” thing. I’m glad to see that others experience it and are even able to maintain it. My wife and I have had to climb some mountains and these travels have left their scars. Sometimes the scars are one’s we’ve inflicted on each other in trying to individually make sense of and made our own peace with all that’s happened. For the most part, we’ve worked together, held up and supported each other along this path. But over the course of twenty-five years, things have been done and said. Wounds can heal with love and compassion (and an honest effort to make peace and make amends)…but wounds do leave scars.
I love my wife and am fanatically devoted to her, just as she is to me. Yet our relationship has changed. I don’t want to say “matured” in the sense that we’ve moved away from what some would disparagingly call “puppy love.” What I would say is that we have built a life together – in spite of…We’ve learned to love and be tender with one another – despite the fact…We have grown together and had to drop a lot of things along the way in order to make our marriage work and our love for each other grow. We don’t do many of the things anymore which new lovers often do. But my wife still stirs my soul. She still makes my spirit soar just by being in the same room with me. She’s still my best friend and the one person (along with my son) that I most want to do anything with. I still want to – I’m still excited by the prospect of – spending the rest of my life with her…
…for better or for worse,
for richer or poorer,
in sickness and in health…
and all which lay in between.
Be Well, My Friends,
Papa (Bill)
Papa's Muse 